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Touching your Chaotic self, finding your Life

Her Sufferings

She says the thing that scares you the most is not life; not death. It’s not loneliness. If I must say, you emerge into a new self, each time you are entangled in the threads of karma. You find your own light. Life has always treated you as the baby bud waiting for maturation.

Life is not unfair to anyone. Not also to you. Each being has a starting that walks toward the ending. Life gives the chance of evolution to everyone. You may think you have lived with many coincidences, there’s nothing you have met is out of luck. And I think you have already understood that.

Then what are you so anxious about? I am watching you since the day you were in your mother’s womb, sleeping soundly. I have seen you being happy when you first saw your sibling’s face.

I have seen when every morning you would wake up early to watch the freshly blossomed flowers. You would roam around the trees. You couldn’t resist the temptation of their beauty and used to pluck them out of habit. I was there when you learned that, flowers look much better in trees, you started treating them as living beings as you are. You refrained yourself.. And it was amusing to see you scolding other children over this.

I was the sole witness of your heart swaying for the first time. I could hear your heart beating so loudly, your mind wandering with fledgling fantasy. Your blushing face was much more beautiful than any flower.

You grew up. Although I was watching you every moment, but I felt like those seasons passed very swiftly. There were times I asked myself, what if she never get to know about me? It was bit lonely, but I was happy. I can see you living a happy life like this, I have no regret if you never can realize my existence. We share one conscious and that was my greatest confidence to find you no matter where you are.

I can’t recall since when. Something started to change between us. Something that went wrong. I couldn’t able to feel you anymore. Your consciousness was covered with dark clouds. When I tried to touch you, so many closed doors appeared before me. No matter how many doors I opened, none of them was the way to reach you.

Each moment was an endless fighting to break your unending silence. I was longing to  sense your true self again. Maybe in the human world, not much time has passed, but for us, it was a distant age.

I thought if there’s something called hell exist, then maybe that’s much more similar to this place --- an almost empty shell full of misery, agony and grief.

The time came, at last, you manifested me or I can say you sensed me. I should have felt happy since it was my greatest desire. But I couldn’t. I am someone like a mirror form. My appearance is your soul’s reflection.

"You’re calm, I am peaceful. If you are chaotic, I am turbulent."

 I have been given the duty to protect you, even if I am ignored or abandoned, I abide to follow you. If venting your anger calms you, I will not interfere. If being violent makes you peaceful, I will not stop you. If wearing a mask gives you the sense of security, I will support you. But it saddens me because you are unable to hear my true calling.

My Sufferings

I am dreaming. Yes! I am dreaming. This dream is materializing my eternal bliss. I am seeing her, dancing with the welcoming spring. Her blue vesture, shining in the beaming moon, long slick raven hair mirroring the darkest hours of this deepest night.

I am mesmerized. How many hours is it? In this timeless dimension, I have lost the sense of incitement.

My heart is pulsing with every rhythm of her leaps. It’s NOT like I haven’t seen people dancing, but her’s --- The more I watch, the more my eyes envision the unrestraint latitude, supreme freedom. Nonchalantly, without any hesitation, she is dancing with all her might.

Maybe a part of me envies that innocence and the ability to putting your whole to do the things that you have fallen for. She seems so happy.

Sigh! Why am I recollecting those memories -- the aching memories of a distant time. Let me forget, at least for this moment, I can’t miss this beautiful sight by thinking something that I believe has no salvation.

I lift my head to continue the story. I realize I have shifted to an entirely different place. It’s a large crowd. The same maiden is standing at the center of the crowd. Looking at the staring eyes I realize something is about to happen. Maybe she is going to dance again like she did beneath the moonlit night.

Oh, my! The same heavenly allurement, such fortune I have to witness this again. She has started dancing, but what is this? This feeling, It’s not the same. This is not what I was looking for. My mind has started wandering and wondering with troubling thoughts.

All of a sudden my sight falls into her uncovered feet, they are chained with iron shackles. I feel like someone has stabbed me thousand times. I can’t see clearly through her veil but certainly can hear the sounds of her tears dropping on the Earth loudly.

I don’t know why, but of all things I have seen after coming here, this scene makes me shrivel. I can feel her anguish ness of being imprisoned. Like a bird, who has lost her wings. The connection is so strong, that it gives the same innervations of life being sucked away from a mortal body.

Our eyes have met. Ah! How nostalgic. I have seen this crying face so many times. But why is she looking at me with those scorning eyes? Does she want me to help her? No, it’s something else. Her fiery is not because of the shackles.

She is being reined. She is scared. The beautiful leaps she makes, that can capture any heart has been restrained. She knows these chains will never let her dance again with an exemption. Maybe in these people’s eyes her dancing is not something to be highly valued but for her, it’s the only way of redemption. And this painful remorse is flowing to my consciousness strongly.

I feel like she has seen through me. Me who is still collecting the scattered pieces of her sorrow and unable to walk beyond it. Who is she? This familiar feeling I am getting from her, what is it? Why do I feel there's much more to understand her silence. Am I missing something?

My eyes are opened. I grasped the fictitious terrain was something that my subconscious has created. But I feel this unfathomable pain. Those bitter unspoken words are still ringing in my ears. That was my fear. Wasn’t it? She was showing the buried, chaotic side of my soul. She wanted me to recognize my true self, which I abandoned a long time ago.

Our Sufferings


She is asking me, what do you fear the most? Why do you feel so anxious? I know she had a hard time not so long ago because of me. I think she still is anxious about me. I was in the dark for a long time, the time I realized I was already sinking in the swamp. I called her because I wanted to be saved. I didn’t want my soul to be broken apart.

When I met her she said she was with me all the time. Those words were not unbelievable, and I can’t explain why. Maybe it’s something like instinct -- instinct to recognize your benefactor.

At first, I didn’t know how and what to talk to her. It’s not like I had the luxury to do so. Frankly, it never came to my mind that I need to communicate with her. I suppose, I was busy with many worthless things. So, I needed someone at my side, who will show her support with any of my decision blindly. It was convenient. Whatever I said, she would listen silently and patiently. For me, it was like rambling my problems and getting calm.

More days passed. The same things kept on happening because I was circling around a maze. I also felt she is saying something but I could never hear it. Erstwhile, I started having this light sensation inside me. It’s like the cold ice that endorsed my heart is melting.

There’s a side of me that refuses to reveal things as if I have committed sin. I think every woman has this tendency to develop this perception of guilt. Seriously, I was getting tired of my own personality that complaints and hides.

The noise, which I endured for a long time was being cleared. I can hear her voice vaguely though I didn’t understand but it was soothing. Now that I think, her presence was always warm and kind. I think the day I met her steered my life in another direction.

In our lives, we always think the awareness or consciousness we are developing are ours. But most of the times it’s not. Sometimes we develop something that’s influenced by the environment we breathe in, the things we are seeing, the experience we are gaining. But true wisdom comes when a person understands herself.

"Everything in your universe starts from you. You are its creator and you are the destroyer."

Life is nothing but a long suffering. As long as we live this is something we have to face. Coming to the answer of her question, I would say I am not afraid of suffering. The present me understands that the suffering doesn’t always have to leave painful scars. What I feel insecure about is the fear of suffering. I think many of us do, it’s not like we are scared of future. It’s a defense against the unknown. When you don’t know what is coming for you, you can’t take precaution.

There are times you become worry about uncertainties and the consequences that can happen. This is what we call the fear of suffering. It’s not something that you can erase in one day. And I have no idea how much effort is needed to overcome this. Is it even possible?

But I feel it’s far better than living in complete dark, if you are able to sense this, it means you are keeping in touch with your chaotic side. You are having a lot of conversation with yourself and with the people around you. You have strong belief in healing and strong faith in yourself. Time will definitely come for you and for me to solve this query because we are creatures with soul & heart.


Something’s you want to hide
But that can be easily seen.
Something’s you want to see
That’s better off hidden.
Something’s you need to see
But you always miss
Something’s you want to be noticed
That nobody sees
Something’s that certainly will come for you
But you are never prepared
Something’s that may come for you
Which is not something you should be scared
-- by anonymous

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